Trailer Park Names

I have a number of women walking around in my body. She doesn't show herself often, but a classy, respectable woman that is completely level headed and business minded, is in the mix. The older I get, that raging, hormonal bitch that wants to rip everyone's head off and shit down their throats, has spent more time at bat. Then there's the silly stoner that is infinitely young. And the tomboy, that thinks time spent drinking beer, farting and talking shit with the boys is absolutely necessary, that is most commonly in the lime light. A sassy, black girl also walks in these shoes. And, let's not forget the deep thinker and big dreamer - if only half of my dreams come true, I will still have a better life than anyone could ever wish for. Some of these ladies have names.

Nancy, the queen of the trailer park, was the first one that was labeled. Nancy sometimes drinks too much and goes out in public. Back in the day, Nancy did that a LOT. And she had her best friend right there with her -  drinking too much and having fun they didn't remember the next day. They were always the life of the party. Holla!

When anybody would say they had seen us out at the bar, we'd always say, "Oh no, that wasn't us. That was Nancy and Conrad." We thought they were fitting names, very random with some trailer park qualities. After a while, we began giving other people names as well. Sometimes we knew the people we renamed, but sometimes we didn't. It became a serious contest to see who could come up with the best trailer park name. (The following are examples of some classic trailer park names: Bobby Joe, Candy, Brandy, Rae Jean, Colby, Bert, Guy, Bubba, Sherry, Gary, Billy....and I think you get the picture.)

Years later, Conrad took a trip from North Carolina to California to visit his bestest friend, Nancy. We sat at a bar in the San Francisco airport upon his arrival, pointing and naming - Barb! Floyd! Roberta! Finally Conrad halted the game. "I just came up with the best trailer park name ever. Are you ready?...This is a good one...MISTY!" We both busted into uncontrollable laughter.

I'm not sure how he never found out that Misty is my legal, first name. "You stupid fucker, that's my first name. How do you not know that after all these years?"

When he heard that, he laughed harder, till tears ran down his face. "What the fuck ever! I don't believe you. Lemme see your driver's license."

I pulled out my wallet and showed him. We both laughed until our faces hurt.

What is your trailer park name?

The Powdered Doughnut Look

Before I moved to Cali, I worked at UPS for five sucky years. That's no job for a danty princess which is exactly why it suited me so well. I didn't have to dress up or do my hair or make-up. I could cuss as much as I wanted and didn't have to worry about offending anybody. And I could always count on the boys to go out drinking with me after our shift. But there were draw backs to the job as well - in the summer you sweated your ass off and sometimes left work literally wringing out your clothes. Then in the winter, it was so cold that your hands and lips would crack and bleed from being so dry. And I was always walking around with some kind of back pain or other injury from the toll it took on my body.

One night I got off and was heading straight to the grocery to get beer and chapstick. I kept washing my chapstick and when it came out of the dryer there was nothing left. I had been out for a couple days and my lips were so chapped, it felt like I was licking sandpaper. They were cracked and hurt like hell. When I was almost to the store, I got a call from my boss saying that I forgot to turn in all of my truck keys and needed to bring them back, but I decided to go to the store first since I was already right there at it.

Meanwhile, a buddy of mine called so I talked to him while I was running into the grocery store. I grabbed the beer and chapstick and headed back to work. Before I got back, I lathered on the chapstick as if it may be my last chance to use it. I already have some kind of OCD chapstick issue as it is and on that night I used like half the tube because I was hurten' for certain. I pulled up to the door, hung up the phone and ran inside to hang up my keys.

On the way in, Aaron asked me what I had on my face. I kind of wiped at my face and didn't think much else about it. He was always fucking with me so I assumed he was then too. I went in the office and a couple of the guys were still in there wrapping up paperwork. I was making small talk and when I turned around and looked at Phil, he had a big grin on his face. As I talked, his grin got bigger. Finally, I asked him what was so funny and he asked me what I had all around my mouth. I shrugged, "Just chapstick."

"Dude, you look like Tyrone Biggums."

"What the fuck are you talking about? I just put on a bunch of chapstick cause my lips are really chapped."

"Maybe you should go look at yourself." And then he actually started laughing.

I went in the bathroom and busted out laughing because I looked like I had just eaten a box of powdered doughnuts. While I was talking on the phone, I hadn't realized that I picked up the white sunscreen instead of chapstick and without looking at myself after putting it on, I didn't know I was walking around with a big white circle around my mouth. Damn good thing I have no problem laughing at myself.