Some Things Never Change

On my latest visit back to the Red States, I scored some shitty ass weed from a friend of a friend. Weed in the Carolina's and weed in Cali are two totally different things. (I thank God every day for bringing me to California - 'Land of good and plentiful Herb'.) I'll have to admit, I have become a weed snob and I am not apologizing for it. Some people like fine wine, well I love good bud.

I went to visit one of my best buddies who had also come home for a visit the same time I was in town. I went and picked him up and we headed into town for a Walmart run and on the way back to his house, I broke out a joint. "Hey Man. Let's smoke this shit before we get back to your house."

He looked very hesitant. "Oh, I don't know if I should. Ya know, I never really smoked weed unless I hung out with you. And I don't think I'll get high off a joint, I think I need to smoke out of a bong."

"Dude, quit being a poo boy and hit the fucking joint."

Twenty minutes later, I could have kicked myself for my persuasive ways. We'd already been sitting in the driveway for almost five minutes while he unsuccessfully tried to contain his howling laughter at nothing. Between giggles he managed to get out, "That must've been some really good shit cause I'm so fucking stoned...I can't believe how good I feel right now...Did I ever tell you I wish you were my sister?"

I was trying desperately to be authoritarian but was too tickled to keep a straight face. "You have got to get it together cause we can't sit in the driveway much longer. Your parents are gonna wonder what the hell we're doing out here. And if you go in there laughing like that, they're gonna know something's up."

Instantaneously, I felt like I was back in high school because he started trying to create an alibi. "Okay, so let's just say we went to the bar and took a bunch of shots and that's why we can't quit laughing...what kind of shots were we doing?"

We both laughed at his ridiculous lie. "That is so dumb. Why is getting all whiskeyed up and driving home any better than smoking a joint? Besides, we are almost forty fucking years old. Let's just go in, and if they ask why we're eating everything in the house and can't quit laughing, then we'll tell them we smoked a joint. What's the big deal?"

The laughter pursued before he spoke up. "That's even dumber. No way am I going in there and telling them I'm stoned. So here's what we're gonna do, I'm gonna go in and go straight back to the bathroom and if they try to talk to me, then I'm gonna pretend like I have to shit real bad. You come in and handle the small talk cause you've always been good at talking to them when you're stoned. And then, you grab the ice cream out of the freezer and meet me in my room and we can say we're just looking through old pictures and shit. Okay?"

Game went as planned. May the kid in us live forever!